Bittersweet Jealousy

How can I be so angry and something that is so glorious? People getting saved, my friends witnessing God’s glory and love poured out through them, how can I be mad? It is a bittersweet jealousy, it makes my inside cringe with feelings of hypocrisy. I spent my spring break in California, my summer home, seeing all these people that have entered my life during my internship there last summer. For three months, I poured all that I am into the ranch, into those students, fighting battle after battle in the spiritual realm. I saw amazing things, I saw things that broke my heart, the up and down roller coaster that made my time there something that could never be forgotten. God gave me such a love and passion for these kids and the people there, that I have yet to stop praying for God to move in their lives. With that said, my trip to Cali was nerve-wrecking and unsurprisingly discouraging. I go back and see each and every student that I ministered to in my time there struggling, seeing Satan continue to get a foothold and destroy their lives. Also, to see one of my best friends diving back into a deep pit of drugs, sex, and hopelessness was so heartbreaking. So my anger is justified I think, with all these people going for a week somewhere and seeing all these people get saved and some dramatic turn-arounds, and then me returning to a place where I struggled and poured out myself to these students for three months and see that they’ve have fallen back to where they were: That’s not fair! I want to see these things, I want to see my kids lives changed, I want to see God do something glorious! It is selfish, I guess, but it is more a sadness that my family in Cali is still living in bondage. Something else that scares me is that with all these things that are heart wrenching and extremely exhausting, I don’t feel anything towards it. I don’t know if it is just because it is the latter of the whole experience and spiritually and emotionally I’m drained but when I think of those things I’m not sad, I’m not disappointed, I just act accordingly. This has been a struggle for me these last few months of wanting to serve God out of pure love for Him and not obligation, duty, or responsibility. I feel like all I am is works and when you take that away, there’s nothing there. I don’t know a sincere love for God, I’m wishing to serve Him because I can’t figure out what else to do with my life. So in looking for purpose in my future, I justify all these reasons for going to seminary, or doing ministry; “I love God”, “I want to see people know the same God I know”, etc. bullshit, bullshit, bullshit If you peel away the layers, I fear that there is nothing there. I can’t just be. This throws me into a cycle of despair regarding my future because if I go the other way, what will my life amount to? At least if I follow in what I have convinced myself to be my purpose, I can at least have something to show for a lifetime of work even if in reality, it means nothing. I’ll at least having something to fool others with. . I guess I wouldn’t be too presumptuous if I said I was being negative right now, because that what I am. It is a sickness that just overtakes me sometimes. My thoughts right now aren’t meant to be clear or make sense to anyone brave enough to read these ramblings, they are just overwhelming fearful thoughts that are buried deep inside me. I speak them now to expose them to the light, out loud in the open they are shown for what they really are: ramblings of a desperate liar trying to hold onto whatever he can. The Light has exposed them even though my emotions say otherwise. Maybe in time, things will change but now I will try and rest in satisfaction of getting this off my chest.