Passion '08

Passion 08

6,000 people roaring to the worship of one god, singing and shouting the praise of the One that saves. The picture before you is only a simple taste of the vision of millions in heaven worshipping for all of eternity. As God looks down from His throne, just think of what He thinks with His children gather in one place going hoarse for the sake of the overflow of passion pouring from their heart. With great expectation, I went to Passion wanting something real, wanting something great, and I can’t say I was disappointed. However, conferences, praise bands, and speakers seem to extend a sense of clarity to the wondering heart but for me, it did the opposite. I feel more confused and scattered than when I arrived. So many powerful things are tossed at you from the words of these gifted men of God spreading a Word designed to reach millions. The more you try to take in the more you feel like you loose the glory in your memory. When leaving, there are hundreds of things flowing through your mind, fighting for your attention persuading you to chew on it first. You feel like selling everything you have and moving to some endogenous people in Africa, You feel inadequate to just talk to a lonely woman at your church. You feel lost in your heavenly ambition and at the same time doubt that leeches onto you. You feel happy, angry, scared, sad, and desperate all in the same thought. With all that is marinating in your head, you know one thing for sure: fear. Fear in every way you can feel it. Reverent fear of an overcoming God, fear of missing out on God’s glory, fear of screwing it up, fear you never had a chance to experience in the first place. Fear to try and believe in something bigger, fear that you aren’t reaching high enough. What is there to do? Nothing, this fear is to sit and accumulate, building urgency until God whispers that secret. Like air out of a balloon, the pressure releases and everything can make sense. So with the pressure building, I wait for it, listening and dreaming, about ready to pop.

Frustration and Boredom

I don’t even know how to put these into words much less words that someone else could possibly be interested enough to read but I’ll let that be your problem J My heart has burdened for weeks now over what my life is right now. I’m so sick of Christianity. I’m tired of being a Christian. No get me wrong, I love God, I hungry for Him and where He is taking me in my life. I’m devoted to His will in my life and there’s nothing more I want out of life. I’m weary of being attached to this superficial idea that Christ belongs in the little box, that He is crammed into our little churches. All these obligations and uneducated beliefs that just set the rules for all the model Christians to follow. For example, I was talking to Arliss the other day about traditions that have been formed because someone just made it that way. In communion, in some churches there is now a purple sheet placed over the ceremonial, taken off and folded almost like soldiers folding a flag at a funeral. It supposedly represents Christ clothes but in reality, back in the day, they put a sheet over it to keep the flies off. I’m glad to keep that tradition alive, the flies that invade our souls! People do something real! Don’t just follow behind in the line! There is nothing more ignorant in traditions when someone is doing something they don’t understand why they are doing, it sucks all the personal devotion right out of it. I understand these are the ramblings of a bored Christian that has lived in this bubble world too long and not everything should be as radical as I am making it out to be. I’m just saying, I want to see something real. I want to see God in His true form, something that doesn’t fit my idea of God, something that no one can explain. I want to see God work and I want to see Him work in me. So from the new radical in me, here’s my new little Christian checklist: Have quiet time with God because your soul is thirsty for His presence, Read his word because you want to see Him, love others because of the love He is loving you with, and Be lead by his spirit and not the expectations and obligations of what you have been told Christians are. Be real and you’ll see a real God.

Rejected!

Rejection. It seems to be the hardest thing to face. We as humans try to avoid it, go out of our way to hide it. Put up every mask or ego, push people away, or just harden our hearts so we don’t have to feel it. But I put myself out there, way out there, showing everything I am, what God has done in my life, and where I feel like He’s taking me. No thanks, they said. We don’t want a part of it, good luck somewhere else. I know that is just not what God wants for me, but I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. For the first time, I don’t want to do all these things that will hide this feeling, I just want to cry. I want to feel it, embrace it, and accept it so I can just move on to what God really wants from me, where He really wants to take me. I guess it is all pride. I considered myself the best. I love what I’m studying, I love what psychology can do in people’s lives, and I believe I know a lot about it. I wanted to believe that I could hang with the best, but the best doesn’t want me. So there’s a big question mark on whether that reveals my true abilities or just a pure NO from God. It is probably the latter but I want to let the doubt echo for a minute.